I think I can’t. I think I can’t. I think I can’t…I’m not sure at what point this week I began to feel like the little engine that couldn’t. Maybe it was after a difficult conversation with my Grandma whose mental state is less than I had hoped. Maybe it was after arguing for an entire day with a variety of mechanics over car trouble. Maybe it was half way through a tough shift where my client was in a massive amount of pain and her husband’s mood was foul. Maybe it was having to have one too many adult conversations. At some point, my mind just shut down and my body went on auto pilot. I had checked out for a little while.
Little did I know that I was suffering from a bad case of the “shouldas”…. I should have handled that better. I should have prepared for that possibility. I should have been able to articulate that idea more effectively. More often, the shouldas are accompanied with a horrible rash of “if only’s”…if only I was more organized. If only I finished college. If only I hadn’t eaten that entire box of hostess cupcakes. There isn’t much that causes more useless anxiety and stagnation than a bad case of the shouldas and if only’s.
We all have those stretches where everything seems to fall apart at the same time. There is no wrong way to feel when those times hit. It’s important to recognize them for what they are though. I know that if I don’t pause and breathe, I start to think those moments will never pass and before I know it my attitude and behavior begins to mirror my feelings and thinking.
It’s ok to have a bad day. It’s ok to have a bad week. It is an unreasonable expectation of myself to handle all difficulties with optimism as they are happening. Despite what my Wonder Woman coffee cup and matching underwear would have you believe, I am human. First world problems rarely feel that way when I am going through them and I have to learn to accept that and be patient.
So, I felt like the little engine that couldn’t this week. The first step on the path to feeling better was to accept it. Then I shared it with a friend (GASP! Expressing vulnerability in an open and honest way! That is top shelf adulting, right there!), and now I’m sharing it with you, readers, because maybe you are having a rough week too. And you know what? I feel much better. For me, the solution to negative emotions is positive action. It may not solve my problems instantly, but it always helps.
Corey Anne Rotella co-authored the book CNA Edge: Reflections from year one along with Bob Goddard and Hannah Hedges. It’s collection of essays from their blog CNA Edge: A Voice from the trenches of Long Term Care